A Star Wars Christmas

Cover of "A Star Wars Christmas" album (1996)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a couple of androids stood before a warm hearth to celebrate Christmas.

C3P0: Don’t get your servos in a wad, R2. Santa is scheduled for arrival very soon.

R2D2: Beep-beep-squeal-squeak-beep-daruah-bling.

C3P0: Yes, R2, he will fill your stocking.

R2D2: Blink-bleeee-ding-ding-rrrrrrr

C3P0: Yes, R2, Yoda should be with him. He is the chief elf, afterall.

R2D2: Bleep-bleee-ding-beep-beep-squeal-hummmmmmm

(Knocking sound of someone at the door)

C3P0: I’ll get that R2. (3P0 opens the door)

C3P0: Master Kenobi… Come in. (3P0 closes door as Ben Kenobi sits by the fire to warm)

Obie-Wan-Kenobi: Not today my shiney, verbose friend. Today you can call me Santa Claus.

R2D2: Bleeeeeeeeee

Obie-Wan-Kenobi: Yes, little one, there is a great disturbance in the force. Santa Claus is missing and Elf Yoda has implored me to fill his role. Which reminds me…

(Obie Wan stands and puts nuts and blots, and Wd-40 into the droid’s stockings)

C3P0: Master Kenobi, does anyone know what happened to Old St. Nick?

(Obie-Wan pushes a memory crystal into R2’s primary interface)

Obie-Wan-Kenobi: It’s very dire. Our last hope fell on Skywalker’s young Jedi shoulders. We received this message from Luke this morning. Play the communication, little one.

R2D2 leans forward and displays the message embedded on the memory crystal. As the holographic image solidifes, the droids recognize Luke Skywalker, standing before a strange figure looking much like Lord Vader, except the robe and helmet was red with kind of a white furry trim. He was much wider around the middle than the fearsome Darth Vader. The droids watched with horror as the red clad figure leaned his shiny red helmet towards the young Jedi Knight. He shook a black-gloved fist and said,” Luke… I’m Darth Claus”

(Skywalker’s face contorted as the realization of Santa’s fate took hold.)

Luke Skywalker: Nooooooooooooo…………..

The hologram faded to darkness. Obi-Wan stared into the fire, his distant gaze a cause of great concern.

C3P0: What does this mean Master Kenobi?

Obie-Wan-Kenobi: It means that Santa Claus has been lost to the dark side. Candy Cane and fruit cake has been replaced with light sabers and death stars. We must  defeat Darth Claus in battle and restore balance to Christmas.

(Obi-Wan walks towards the door.)

Come little ones. Solo is waiting on the Millenium Falcon for us. We must make the Kessel Run and free Skywalker. Only then can we save Christmas.

3P0: But Master Kenobi, what about the children. Who will delver presents tonight?

(The Jedi Master stopped in his tracks and absorbed the gravity of the circumstance and pondered a solution. He turned back to the android.)

Obie-Wan-Kenobi: 3P0, you will have to stand-in for Santa Claus this Christmas. You will have take his place on the sleigh and bring joy to the children of the galaxy.

3P0: I will do my best Master Kenobi.

(Obi-Wan left the room.)

R2D2: Blink-bleeee-ding-ding-rrrrrrr

3P0: No, I don’t think he likes you.

R2D2: Ding-bling-beep-beep-rrrrrrr

3P0: No, I don’t like you either.

(C3P0 puts the red hat atop his metallic crown)

3P0: Come on R2. Elf Yoda awaits.